Darkness in January

Imagine you are finally content in the moments you’re living. You feel joy, happiness, love, and laughter with those you’re surrounded by. When all of a sudden, a dark cloud is following you everywhere you go, consuming you mentally and emotionally, sucking that same joy, happiness, love, and laughter out of you, reminding you what is coming. Consciously, your mind is reminding you about the times you had to be strong, when you had no idea what was happening, you were there, but you weren’t. You don’t remember, but you do. It is such an out of body and strange experience.

The clouds are only here for a short time, about a week, but they are completely draining. They consume your every minute, trying to bring you to a fight against the dark side, all over again. They sneak up on you, because you’ve been working on yourself to push past the darkness, but your subconscious is there, making it present. It doesn’t seem to matter how prepared you feel you are, or how far you’ve come in pushing away the darkness, this one single week that dark, daunting, cloud appears, and it changes you all over again.

This is how January starts for me every year, for the past 5 years. It starts with joy, love, happiness, and a lot of laughter, but quickly turns into this immense darkness following me everywhere. I don’t know how else to describe it.

I’m not sure that this darkness will ever leave if I’m being honest. There’s something about it, it acts as a safeguard still because there are so many moments that I do not remember and that I know my mind feels I shouldn’t remember. The fail-safe mechanisms that keep our mental health protected from all the things it truly knows will hurt us more than the importance of knowing them.

I experience a lot of emotions throughout the month of January.

Love. Happiness. Joy. Sorrow. Sadness. Darkness. Pain. Compassion. Kindness. Care. Gratitude. Thankfulness. Growth.

January changed who I am as a person, but January is also the month I was brought into this world. This isn’t something that can just be changed or erased. Darkness can be consuming, but there is always light and brightness, you just have to dig a little deeper to find it.

This is the consistent battle inside my head, predominately in January, the month of the “cancerversary”, a milestone of a time where I fought harder than I have ever fought for anything in my life, to not become another statistic, to not be part of the 10% chance of survival statistic. To beat the beast, to beat the odds.

Since then, I fight to find the brightness and light in each and every day, because if I don’t fight for myself, to be present in each day, to find the light, I am completely consumed with darkness.

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